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The Myth of Balance
How to live a more satisfying life
- We are five times richer and live thirty years longer
than we did a century ago … but are we happier?
- The average Australian can afford the car, home, food,
clothes – and, for many, even a private education
– yet they can’t afford to take a day off work.
- Employees take promotions to pay for the longed-for overseas
family holiday, but can’t find the time to enjoy the
time off.
- Despite our wealth, 40% of Australians believe life is
getting worse, not better
.
- Further, research has demonstrated a close link between
work hours, family life and life satisfaction.
The bad news is that there is no magic wand, pill
or formula that will get our lives in the desired ‘balance’.
The good news is that we can unlearn many of the
habits that have led us to our current state of dissatisfaction
and learn new and more fulfilling ways of living our life.
Do you feel ‘out of balance’?
Before going further, though, it is worth considering your
answer to this. In many of my seminars, when I pose this question,
there is an almost deafening “Yes!” from the group.
Then I move on to my next question: “If you were
in balance, what would be different?” Silence descends
upon the room.
It seems many people spend a lot of time focussing on what
they don’t like about their lives, allowing themselves
to feel increasingly frustrated, resentful and stressed. “What
you resist, persists” was a favourite saying of one
of my former teachers. What he was telling us was that when
we focus solely or primarily on what we aren’t happy
with, we are sapping up valuable energy and brainpower that
could otherwise be used in the pursuit of what we do want
in our lives.
Taking the time to consider what your ideal life would be
like, what you want to allow more time for and what your truest
priorities are is a vital first step in achieving a more satisfying
lifestyle.
Balance or Synthesis?
Several years ago, it struck me as odd that we should talk
about work & life ‘balance’. You see, what
the term balance suggests is that we have all the various
aspects of our life measured, boxed and weighed – and
then placed on a set of scales (one side holding the ‘work’
aspects of our lives, the other holding the non-work elements).
Then we hold our breath and pray nothing changes – because
if it does, we will be out of balance!
A more logical way of thinking would be in terms of a synthesis
– or blending – of the various aspects of our
lives in such as way that at the end of a week, fortnight
or month we consider our time was well spent.
(The other strange aspect of the phrase ‘work/life
balance’ is that it suggests our life is divided into
two categories: ‘work’ and ‘life’.
Are these mutually exclusive? Do we not have a ‘life’
while we are at ‘work’? And are we conditioning
ourselves to believe that work is ‘lifeless’?
Something to think about …
What follows are the top three causes of imbalance in our
lives – and some strategies to eliminate them!
#1 Expectations
Think about all the people who have expectations of you
… your work colleagues, family, friends, neighbors and
society to name a few!
And of course, there’s you. Many times we can be our
own worst impediment to enjoying a fulfilling and satisfying
life.
Do you expect yourself to be the ‘perfect’ employee,
always going the extra mile as well as being the ‘perfect’
family member who can fulfill all the requests of your time?
If you are a parent in paid employment, do you expect yourself
to give 110% to your job as well as being able to attend all
your children’s school functions and extra-circular
activities?
Sometimes our values conflict with each other. My desire
to get through a huge ‘To Do’ list every day and
the importance I place on punctuality can really create stress
for me. I want to be on time to collect my son from school,
but I notice I have an entire 17 minutes before I need to
leave. Ah, I’ll just get one more thing off my list
…
You know how this story ends. My activity takes longer than
expected and I end up late reaching the school. When I arrive
(which is a miracle, given the frenetic speed with which I
drove there!), I am greeted by a somewhat irritated child
saying “Mom, you’re late again!” Though
I’m tempted to be angered by his greeting, I stop and
realise that, of course, I have created this panic-driven
situation myself.
So what expectations do you have of yourself that are in
the way of the life you desire?
#2 Financial Commitment Spiral
As we move through our lives, we reach (hopefully) increasing
levels of income. At any point in time, we become accustomed
to a lifestyle that necessitates the amount of money we are
earning.
Then we start to notice ourselves saying “If only
I had a bit of extra money, I could afford to renovate the
bathroom / buy a more reliable car / landscape the garden.”
These wants and desires (and sometimes valid needs) require
us to acquire a higher level of income. When we achieve that,
more wants and needs appear.
Years ago, my husband and I lived in the inner city on a
street where few homes had driveways, causing most residents
to park in the street (which was incredibly narrow and particularly
risky on garbage collection days!). When the time came to
move to another home, I cried, “All I want is a driveway!”
We were blessed to find a beautiful home we could afford,
located in a suburb where the land is quite hilly –
complete with a driveway and a lock-up garage! I was in heaven
… well, for the first month or so, anyway. The process
of driving up the driveway, pulling the hand brake on firmly,
struggling to exit the car on the steep slope, opening the
garage door and returning to the car to steer it into the
garage (many times in the drenching rain!) wore thin pretty
quickly. Within a few short weeks of my fondest desire for
a driveway coming true, I was moaning “We have
to get an automatic door for that garage!”
See what I mean?
It is vital to stop and reflect upon what’s truly important
to you when you catch yourself in this spiral. (Epilogue:
Ten years later and we are still managing without the automatic
door. We decided holidays and air conditioning were more important!)
#3 Living in a state of ‘wanting’
In our pursuit of a more desirable life, we may frequently
find ourselves saying “I want to be healthier”
or “I want to have an overseas holiday”. While
the word ‘want’ does have the meaning of ‘to
feel a need or desire for’ , it also has other connotations.
Additional meanings include: ‘to be without, or be
deficient in by the absence of some part or thing’,
‘to fall short by’, ‘to be in a state of
destitution or poverty’ and ‘to be lacking or
absent, as a part or thing necessary to completeness.’
So, notice how our brains may interpret some of our statements:
‘I am deficient due to my lower level of health’
or ‘I am incomplete without an overseas holiday’.
If you doubt what I am saying here, do this simple exercise.
Write 3 statements of things you desire, starting each with
the words ‘I want’. For example: I want to be
healthier. I want to leave work by 6 pm. I want to spend more
time gardening.
Now, write the same three statements, but this time starting
each with the words ‘I choose’.
I choose to be healthier. I choose to leave work by 6 pm.
I choose to spend more time gardening.
Any difference? You bet! The second set of statements put
you in control. They are more empowering
and enticing for your brain to process, and therefore more
likely for your brain to act upon.
When you live in state of choosing, life is guaranteed to
be more satisfying!
A fulfilling, successful life can and will mean different
things to different people. For me, the following definition
given to us by Ralph Waldo Emerson says it all.
To laugh often and love much,
To win the respect of intelligent people
And the affection of children;
To earn the approbation of honest critics
And endure the betrayal of false friends;
To appreciate beauty;
To find the best in others;
To give one’s self;
To leave the world a little better,
Whether by a healthy child,
A garden patch,
Or a redeemed social condition;
To have played and laughed with enthusiasm
And sung with exultation;
To know even one life has breathed easier
Because you have lived …
This is to have succeeded.
(1)Data from the 2001 Survey conducted
by the Australian Institute of Family Studies and a Newspoll
Survey of the same year.
© Sandi Givens, 2003
Permission to reprint this article is welcomed provided the
following:
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